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Figuring out how to instill good, solid values into your child is one of the most daunting aspects of being a parent. As the old cliché goes, there's no instruction manual for raising kids, and certainly not one for raising strong, happy ones!

Therapist Eli Harwood faced this challenge when she brought home her first baby, and still faces it today as the world changes and her kids get older. But, based on 17 years of experience, she compiled a list of the top values she wants her children to gain from her parenting.

“In the daily monotony of raising children," she writes, "it is easy to get lost in the tasks and forget the actual goals. Here is a good summary of what I am working towards with my kids.”

Known online as AttachmentNerd and author of best-selling books, (including her new one How to Deal with Your ____ So Your Kids Don’t Have To) Harwood focuses on how parents can help their kids form secure attachments. This not only benefits their kids when young, but also when they grow into adults. That's why some of the lessons below help adults, too.

These are nine values a seasoned therapist hopes her children gain from her attachment-based parenting.

1. Belonging

John Bowlby was one of the first researchers to study the impact belonging had on children’s development. During the end of World War II, he observed children who had been separated from their parents and found an increase in loneliness and mental distress, says Teaching + Learning Lab.

A sense of belonging increases children’s academic performance, skill acquisition, socialization, and ability to form lasting friendships.

Harwood writes, “There is no greater gift in the life of a human being than the gift of feeling deep connection and place in relationships. I want my kids to know that their true authentic self belongs with me and in our family. That they are delighted in, seen, heard, and wanted.”   

2. Empathy

According to Melbourne Child Psychology, “Empathy yields kindness — a quality most parents hope to instill in their children.” But yielding kindness is just the tip of the iceberg. Research on children 11-13 years old shows that high levels of empathy lead to assertive bystander behavior, in which your children stand up to bullying and other injustices.

Empathetic children also form healthier relationships and do well in thoughtful problem-solving, an arguably crucial skill for professional success.

“Empathy is learned through empathy," Hardwood continues, "When someone connects to our emotional states and gives us their genuine compassionate presence, it teaches us to do the same for others. I want my kids to know the power of receiving empathy so they can feel the gift of it, and then want to give it as a result.”

3. Resilience

Contrary to the belief that severe strictness and harsh discipline build resilience, the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University highlights, “the single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.”

When you focus less on harsh discipline and more on building resilience through support, children have a better time adapting to adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, and stress, according to the American Psychological Association.

Harwood writes, “I want my children to have a deep internal script about my belief in their capacity to handle life. Even the hard stuff. That I trust their instincts and that I will be there to give them emotional support even when their choices lead to consequences.”

Nobody handed us this skill set when we were growing up. Now, someone finally will. 

Most of us learned how to be in relationships by watching the ones around us growing up. Which means a lot of us inherited patterns we never chose and never questioned.

The Love & Empowerment Summit is a free 4-day online event, May 12 to 15, with 40+ experts including Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Terry Real, and Marianne Williamson. It's built around one idea: the quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. And that's something you can actually change.

Four days. Free. The teachers most of us never had.

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